Friday, August 21, 2009

Idiots At Their Best Series Part 2

2 Ideazzz
This is one of the funniest incident that I've heard in my whole life. My brother told me this story for quite some time ago and even before I started this blog. So, I do not know the actual conversation but only a rough wan. But what I'm about to write really happened and I'm not shitting anyone about this unless my brother conned me about the truth of this story. I do not know the people involved here but I hope you guess will enjoy this story as I do.

This 2 friends were in a trip to somewhere which required quite a long journey and I assume they were in some "kampung-like" place. As they were driving along, the following incident took place.

A: Dude, I wanna tell you something
B: What?
A: I feel like shitting..
B: What the fuck?? We just passed by the petrol station. Why don't you say earlier la...
A: Haiyo...That time no feel yet ma...Seriously, I want to shit already
B: We gonna reach our destination in 30 minutes time. Tahan la.. Now cannot see any place with toilet also..
A: Fuck..I cannot tahan liao...Stop roadside for me settle la...
B: Ok ok..I don't want shit smell in my car also..

B stopped his car by the road side while A get off and settle his business. 5 minutes later, A came calling to B while still covering himself.

A: Eh, you got tissue with you ah?
B: Huh? Don't have le. My car no tissue le.
A: What the fuck? How am I gonna wipe my ass?
B: Use leaf la. So many.
A: Fuck you. The leaf so small. Not big enough la. And I cannot find any dried leaves nearby.
B: Shit. how ah?

Pause momentarily...

B: Eh, you got RM 1 with you right now?

A: Got ah..Why? Here where got shop sell toilet paper wor?
B: Haiya...Not ask you go buy toilet paper la..
A: Huh? Then? wait....You mean.......What the fuck...Need or not? Money le....
B: If not? What to do? No tissue la. That's your only choice. Use already then wash. Can use back lo.....
A: Fuck la...Sure or not...I dunno about this...Using money le...
B: then? You wanna leave your ass unwipe ah? What other choice do you have? You got better choice then you say out la.
A: Arghhhh...Fuck it...Ok ok, I'll do it

Moments passed and A came limping back..

A: Eh, Dude...RM1 not enough le
B: RM 1 not enough then use another RM 1 or use RM 5 lo.....What so hard wor?

Apparently A had used this....

Instead of using RM 1 notes to wipe, he used 2 50 cents coin to scrap the shits off his ass hole and ass crack. Naturally, B laughed his ass off while screwing his friend for doing that. After the whole ordeal, they went to a restaurant. They cleaned the money up and uses them on the spot. I would not want to go where they had went...
Creative people finding a whole new meaning and usage of money.

P.S: The whole incident really took place and I did not made this up. The actual comversation might not be fully correct but it is 100% identical in terms of contents and meaning. I just retold the thing according to how I remembered my brother told me. hope you people enjoy this posts.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Motorcycle Rides Will 100% Lead To Sex

7 Ideazzz
I didn't knew of this until today. Apparently, students in UTM will likely to get hook up as long as they are riding a motorcycle together. Motorcycle rides will definitely equals to sex. Damn it, if I knew of this fact earlier, I will definitely sit for a motorcycle license and bid goodbye to my *ahem* collection *ahem*. This is how the situation is likely to be...

Boy: Come, let me fetch you back to college

Girl: Sure..

(half way through the ride)

Boy: Damn, I feel horny. Must be the sound of motorcycle engine and you talking loudly behind my back is turning me on.

Girl: Yeah, me too. The back of your helmet is soooooo sexy. Let's fuck.

Boy: Wookay.....(park the motor aside for a quickie)

DAMN, if I know is this easy, I'm gonna get one motor and ride around UTM looking for a lonely girl to fetch.


What do you guys mean that I won't get guaranteed free sex by offering them rides?

What do you girls mean that you don't find the way with our helmet on looks cool?

If I had my helmet on, I could be anyone you girls like me to be. From Orlando Bloom to Johnny Depp, from Justin Timberlake to Rain. If you girls have your helmet on, I would definitely imagine you to be Megan Fox, Jessica Alba or Yuma Asami. You were saying I do not have the body or height to be anyone of them? Well, so do I and I think we can definitely compromise here. Things are not always perfect... XD

No wonder motorcycle rides are so exciting and the majority of people here owns one. If you still thinks that I'm bullshitting about this, well, I HAVE PROOF. Apparently motorcycle rides leads too easily to sexual fantasies and sex, some people in UTM used their valuable lonely times and launch this campaign.


Apparently these ppl had found out the main factor(DAMN IT!!) that leads undergraduates into having sex are motorcycle rides. To put in simple form of mathematic equation...

1 Boy + 1 Girl + Motorcycle = SEX

They are so sure of it that they launched a campaign to BANNED such act among students and these group of people are taking matters into their own hand by asking people to sign their petition. When I first found out about this, I do not know whether to laugh loudly or to be angry over their stupidity.

They first go on preach about the moral standards in UTM, religion, sex and bla bla bla. To prevent such thing from happening, BONCENG IS NOT ALLOWED!!! I didn't pay much attention to much of the preaching as they are very predictable the moment you read first few lines of the blog. What I found amusing was a student doing it with the cleaner lady statement. This is my reaction to that statement.


So what if people have fetish for cleaner ladies and they get turn on by the sight of an aunty cleaning toilets? What does that bloody got to do with motorcycle rides? Do the student even owns a motorcycle? The motorcycle does not even come into the equation of this whole thing.

The student will not goes like "I do not have an motorcycle or I am not allowed to bring a girl on motor SO I do not have a fetish for aunty washing shits off the toilet bowl."

I do not know about you people but I seriously do not think that banning motorcycle rides can eventually cure fetishes or LOVE. That's the job of a psychriatist and not banning on dumb minor things. They seems to put in a lot of effort and thought into this whole BONCENG matter but instead of being selfish, have it crosses their mind these few points?

1. Banning this will eventually leads to many people do not have a more convenient of transportation and have to always rely on the ever unreliable UTM buses and taxis.

2. Students are poor and could not afford to get their own transportation and have to rely on others.

3. Some classes extends till 10 at night, having group discussions till midnight, a function till midnight(take Majlis Puncak Perdana for example) and so on so on. Around these hours, there are no buses around which eventually leads to students walking back to their hostel. Imagine this, girl walking alone midnight can eventually lead to 3 situations. Safely back but end up being too tired, being raped or robbed and encounter of the supernatural. Are these people implying that the moral standards among students should rate higher than the safety of these students?

4. Does it mean that guy could not ftech guy and girl could not fetch girl too? There is no doubt groups of gay and lesbians exist in UTM. Won't motorcycle rides eventually leads to unnatural sex?

5. Less motorcycle rides equals to more taxi rides. Thanks for helping to burn the students' wallets. I bet everyone is as rich as people who do not mind this.

These people claimed that they did this for the good of the students and university but for me they did it based on their selfishness. How bad can a motorcycle ride be? They are saying that we are very closed minded by going against this campaign. They are the ones that are closed minded. It had never crossed my mind of wanting to have sex with girls i fetch on my motorcycle. Everytime i fetch them, I just did it out for the sake of helping them instead of fucking them. What kind of morons would think of sex with anyone they fetch? Will they think of sex with their mom if they fetch them on motorcycle? They are the ones having a narrow mindset by implying and making assumptions that everyone thinks like them.

They preach about their religion and so on and have they ever thought that not everyone are as unholy as they think. It's true that the moral standards here is not what they hope to be BUT motorcycle rides DO NOT contribute to that much. If they wanna do it, a simple call for taxi, walking, and even UTM bus ride can result in the same situation too. Can they guarantee that by banning this shit can eventually leads to drop of at least 50% in terms of immoral activities? I thought religion taught them to be wise but why not using all the wisdom in figuring out these things?

Do they even ask the opinions of the non-bumiputeras regarding this? Simply imposing rules without considering our thoughts and opinions is definitely going against the teaching of learning to respect other religion teachings.

Do they really consider enough regarding the possible negative outcomes of this rules? Are they sure that the rule will bring more good than bad? What if imposing this rule did not change anything? How can they even afford to repay us? Do they think that they can just get away with all this if their initial plan failed?

I am risking the wrath of many by putting up this post. I seriously think that the real reason behind the group of people who started all these are lonely people who gets easily jealous seeing happy couples. If you people have your loved ones with you, will you ask them take a taxi over to somewhere while you take the motor to that specific place? If dating is wrong, then what's the point of marrying? Do they really want to prevent love from happening?

If they said that dating around this age is wrong and we should stick to the conservative and traditional way then PLEASE study your history. People in the olden days used to get MARRIED AT 16 or even 12 and you people saying DATING AT THE AGE OF 20+ is wrong? I bet there will be a lot of people that are UNHAPPY with this post then I'll just say FUCK YOU. What makes you people think that you can simply write out and say your thoughts out and I CANNOT DO THE SAME? WHAT makes you people can simply tell others that WHAT YOU PEOPLE THINK IS RIGHT and you can get UPSET when I simply just do the same as what you guys did?

Preach and say all you want as I'm expecting HATE mails and comments for this post.You people have your say and now I think I deserve mine. I do not insult anyone but I just said out what I think is horribly wrong just like you people did. If you guys get offended and tries to bring me down then please go back to the Stone Age and eat dirt for having such a narrow mindset. That's all for now as I do not wish to further waste my time on you guys.

P.S: From the words of Russell Peters..."BE A MAN, DO THE RIGHT THING!"

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Idiots At Their Best Series Part 1

7 Ideazzz
The world is full of idiots. I'm serious when I made this statement. How often do you people grumble at the sight of an idiot or a slightest hint of idiotic behavior shown by your peers? Everyone is an idiot including ME. I'm not trying to make a statement where everyone is an idiot except me...I'm a realist and I speak what I think is more likely the case to be rather than drowning myself in delusions. I think it is a good share among my fellow readers regarding idiots or idiotic event that occurs in my everyday life.

For part 1, I'm gonna share with you people an encounter with an idiot which eventually become a punchline joke among Soon, Heng and me. This is how the encounter goes.

As we were walking around the newly opened Jusco in Taman Bukit Indah, we came across a Phiten retail outlet. For those ignorant people out there( Don't worry, I was one ), Phiten had invented these type of bracelets, necklace, straps and so on that will balance your mind and body. It draws out the maximum potential of your ability which means you can play sports better, carrying things much easier, able to maintain freshness and hopefully FUCK better. Basically it balances the charge around your body and prevents fatigue from occuring too often.

This is Phiten...

Datuk Lee Chong Wei wore them...See the necklace?

Being a bunch of curious Industrial Design students, we decided to walk in to inquire about the product and also hopefully know how the hell a bloody string can help us do so much. I was hoping for something more. May be this could eventually lead to MULTIPLE ORGASM that men could not achieve? May be I could fuck for hours and have no problem bedding more than 5 women at once? May be I could make my mark as a legendary pornstar that could fuck for hours and filmed 10 different porn movies in a day? If I found out the secret, I could eventually create my own brand and distribute them to porn stars? Yeah, I could hear you guys yelling at me for being an idiot but it's nothing compare to what happen next.

I broke the multi-million question to that guy and the conversation goes like this....(the actual conversation is in Mandarin but I am a banana..translate the whole thing to Mandarin and it would be much nicer)

Me: What is the technology behind all these products?

Promoter: Pardon? What were you asking? (either my Mandarin was bad or his Mandarin was bad too)

Heng: What is the technology that make people who wear this can be like that? In terms of engineering and material, what make them possible? We want to know what kind of technology is it....

Promoter: Oooohhhh...(and I QUOTE) Technology is Technology

We: Huh?!?

Promoter: Technology is technology...I explain to you all also you all won't understand. It waste our time....So we just call it TECHNOLOGY......(smiles and smirk as though he just struck an lottery)

We: ........

Heng: Yeah, that's why i ask....what technology?

Promoter: Technology is technology....There is no definite explanation, that's why we call it technology

We figure it's impossible to converse anymore...Heng continues to entertain him while I walk off....This IDIOT is a fucking pro and genius is using his idiotic reasoning to make us feel like COMPLETE IDIOTS......I feel like a complete idiot for even asking...There goes my quest for men's multiple orgasm.......


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